Rate Your Relationship from 1-10 with the Most Important Person in Your Life…You
Among all the relationships we maintain in our lives, with our siblings, parents, kids, friends, bosses and colleagues, there is one we often overlook. And oddly, when we think or even talk about that one important person, that single, essential relationship, we are not very kind. In fact, of all the people we know, we are most likely to be critical of ourselves, make ourselves wrong, and generally engage in self-talk that is, at best unproductive, and at worst, cruel.
Think for a moment about the conversations each of us has with ourselves daily. As humans, we engage in countless mental dialogues. We consult with ourselves about what we’d like for dinner. We ask ourselves what we think of those shoes, that car, those ideas, or that political opinion. And all too often, to be honest, we scold ourselves for not being more, for not doing enough, for falling short. Perhaps, on occasion, we pause long enough to congratulate ourselves, too.
A recent meme that went viral asserted that we have over 60,000 thoughts per day. In fact, research suggests humans, on average, have between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day. So even on a slow day, more than 8 thoughts flicker through our brains per minute. Faster than we scroll through a newsfeed, we flip through a series of thoughts, including judgements, ideas, plans, and worries. What’s more compelling, some studies claim 80% of our thoughts are negative in substance. In other words, in a minute’s time, more than 48 seconds are relegated to negative, critical, self-doubting, pessimistic, or counterproductive thinking.
Here’s a test. Let your mind wander for the next minute and then jot down what you remember from the thoughts that parade through your mind.
Ready, set, go.
What came up for you? How many thoughts skipped like stones across the surface of your mind? Do you control those thoughts, or do they tend to travel unbidden through your cranial territory? If you could assess those thoughts on a scale of 1-10 (1 being entirely negative and 10 being entirely positive), where would the majority of your thinking land? Did you find it difficult to maintain your awareness of the thoughts, or of the exercise itself? Did you critique your performance in the exercise?
In case you worry about your brain’s odd collection of thoughts over a minute’s time, here’s what just happened for me: “It’s chilly out here.” “I should have brought a sweatshirt.” “I never remember the important things.” “Ok, to be fair, it was warmer earlier.” This is where the thinking diverges. “Did I remember to turn off the fan before I left?” “What’s the worst that can happen?” “So many people I know have terrible things happening in their lives right now.” “I wonder how H is doing with her cancer treatment.” “I should be a better friend.” Ok, the minute isn’t even up, but I don’t want to subject you to much more of my particular stream of consciousness today. Like I always say, my brain is a scary place to visit, especially without a flashlight. Notice, however, how much of my unedited and unaudited thinking was negative or should-like in nature. In fact, my one-person, one-minute data point seems to support the 80% statistic.
Our thoughts make up a large portion of who we are. And unlike feelings, which are largely organic and occur outside of our immediate control, our thoughts and the words we use to describe ourselves are entirely governable. Just like we do when scrolling through social media newsfeed, we have the choice to swipe past or focus in as thoughts enter our minds. For the next 24 hours, challenge yourself to swipe past those thoughts that frame you in an unkind light. Give yourself permission to linger on and even “like” the kind thoughts and generous self-talk as they pass through. And at the end of the day-long experiment, see if you’ve moved your rating closer or all the way up to a “10.”
By Susan Vitale .
©Susan M Vitale, 2019