4 Sure Signs the Perfection Monster Has a Grip on You

By Susan M Vitale

Aside from Mary Poppins, who is “practically perfect in every way,” the rest of us remain works-in-progress, persevering through our days trying to be and do the best we can. Many of us carry our drive for perfection around like a ravenous ogre on our backs. No matter what we do, the monster is never satiated. He always demands more.

Regardless of how old we are, or what we do, if we’re saddled with the perfection beast, the world in which we live provides him plenty to chew on. When we are younger, making As at school, perfecting that essay, or scoring that goal on the sports team become handy snacks for his greedy appetite. At work, meeting deadlines, outperforming coworkers, and achieving that coveted promotion might temporarily fill his belly, but he soon comes back for more. As parents, we feed him with over-the-top birthday parties, long hours on the ball field, and late nights hovering over “I forgot it was due tomorrow” projects. Our appearance, splashed across half-a-dozen social media pages, provides constant fodder for his appetite, as he gorges on our faltering body image and picks his teeth with our bad hair days. Shamelessly, the “I must be perfect” fiend whets his appetite on our insecurities, feasts on our fears of inadequacy, and washes it all down with our relentless drive to keep up with the Joneses.

How do you know if you’re catering to a perfection monster?

1. The beast’s voracious hunger for perfection consumes a tremendous amount of your time, energy, and mindshare. When you least expect it, he greedily robs you of the present moment. You have difficulty enjoying what’s happening now because you’re mentally perfecting something in the past or future. Perhaps you’re settling in to watch a new episode of your favorite TV show or sitting down to dinner with your family, but your mind suddenly fixates on the perfect outfit to wear tomorrow, or how fat your thighs look in that photo, or the one thing you must do to make that presentation flawless, or the perfect thing you wish you’d said in a conversation that happened yesterday. Taming the monster: Next time the perfection monster taps on your shoulder and tries to draw you away from experiencing the moment, tell the beast to get lost. Let him go hungry for once.

2. You even feed the beast on the small, unimportant things.  That crooked towel on the rack in the bathroom isn’t hurting anyone, but you can’t rest until you right it. That cake that came out a little dry can be chalked up to learning, but you can’t stop apologizing. The B on your report card or the unflattering Insta photo of you or your slight misstep in that meeting won’t matter 5 years from now and yet, like so many perfectionists, you sweat the small stuff. You fail to complete a task or project because it’s not yet perfect; it fails to meet some unwritten standard. You polish and sharpen it until you grow weary of it. Taming the monster: If you’re going to focus on honing something, pour your attention into the things that count. Double down on pursuing your dreams, strive to be the best you in your relationships, and start taking supreme care of yourself. But when it comes to the small stuff, tell the beast you’re out of snacks, and let the towel stay crooked.

3. Perfection becomes a behemoth whose excessive weight paralyzes you. When he parks himself on your shoulders, his girth is too much to bear. Maybe you want to write a manuscript for that novel you’ve been dreaming about, or you wish to lose those 20 pounds that crept on over the last months, or you have a great idea for a marketing campaign, or you’re dying to tackle that renovation project. The greedy perfection monster’s job is to remind you how daunting the tasks ahead are, how arduous the journey will be, and how ill-equipped you are to tackle them. He pins you down with a deluge of self-critique while he whispers versions of “you’re not enough,” or “you don’t even know where to start,” or “what makes you think you can do this?” Taming the monster: The next time the perfection ogre lands on your shoulders with a thud, threatening to derail you from your biggest goals or your wildest dreams, give him the heave-ho. Then, give yourself permission to take just one flawed, but intentionally-forward, first step.

4. The perfection monster doesn’t only haunt you; he impacts all the people in your life. Let’s face it, your perfectionism — often aimed at winning love and admiration from people in your life — sometimes has the opposite effect. That over-the-top birthday party already mentioned…you know, the one that had you up all night baking a cake, spending money you didn’t have on favors the partygoers didn’t need, and creating theme decorations that compete with the set of Dancing with the Stars? The same one that made you grumpy and found you snapping at everyone before, during, and after the event? Maybe, the guest of honor would have preferred a simpler soiree’ and a calmer host? Similarly, making repetitive comments about your imperfections —I look fat in that picture, I am so dumb sometimes, I am not good enough —  become hurtful to the people who love you as you are. Even more insidious, we sometimes let the perfection monster’s negativity spill onto our loved ones. With his help, we send them messages that they’re not enough or we set unrealistic expectations of perfection for them. Taming the monster: The next time the beast comes looking to feast on your precious time and energy, show him you prefer the company of the people who deserve it. Enjoy being you with people who enjoy it too, and tell him the party’s over.

I’ve often heard – and used – the phrase “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.” Recently, I heard a new one: “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of done.” Both are wise, for a variety of reasons. It’s up to us to employ attitudes of “let’s just get it done” or “it is good enough” to tame the insatiable perfection beast crouching on our shoulders. Because, in our relentless and futile pursuit of perfection, we don’t just waste our time. We deplete our precious energy reserves, undermine our chance to enjoy the present moment, miss out on earnestly pursuing our dreams, and cheapen our relationships with the people who love us just as we are.

©Susan M Vitale, 2019