3 Ways to Move Closer to “I Can” in Life
Writer’s Note: I woke up today, a long empty Monday on my Google Calendar greeted me, and I considered how to best use my day. Of course, knowing that in order to call myself a writer, I need to do just one thing (write), I resolved to commit the day to producing blogs, tweaking content for social media, and/or editing my book. Then something equal parts confounding and predictable happened. The moment I acknowledged the decision to be a legit writer today, I was accosted by a list of easily twenty projects and chores that better deserved my attention. Didn’t the floor need cleaning? Wasn’t today a perfect day to plant some new flowers? Shouldn’t I take the dog for a long walk on the trail in town? Lucky for me, I’ve spent the last few years renegotiating my relationship with “I can,” and with its evil twin, “I can’t.” So, I stared the ever mysterious and scheming “I can’t” squarely in the eye, marched myself down to my water’s edge muse, put fingers to keys, and this is what materialized.
Henry Ford famously said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” What I love about Ford’s assertion is the connection he made between your thoughts and words and your reality. If we approach a challenge thinking and even saying “I can’t” our odds of doing it successfully are predestined, and slim. What I would change, if I could call Henry on the phone and give him some advice, is the notion that Can and Can’t are an either/or proposition. We tend to view “I can” vs “I can’t” as binary. What if we widened the space between the two and created a spectrum of possibilities, each one more empowering than the last? I experimented with just such a continuum in a recent workshop, and the results were remarkable.
I recruited six volunteers and arranged them shoulder-to-shoulder. I handed each a card with one of the phrases printed on the I Can Continuum and asked them to assume a body-posture that illustrated the words on their card. I then asked them to speak the phrase, each in turn. Remember, according to the research of social psychologist Albert Mehrabian, 38% of our spoken message is communicated through tone of voice, and 55% is body language.
Not surprisingly, the first person on the left demonstrated a weak, defeated posture, and with eyes downcast, nearly whispered “I can’t.” When I asked her how she felt, she echoed the sentiments already written all over her body: weak, defeated, hopeless. What was shocking was the magnitude of the difference between that almost despondent phrase and the next one. Watching person number 2 express “I choose not to” had a significantly different impact on the rest of us in the room. Because, you see, even making a conscious choice not to do something restores a sense of power to ourselves. It puts us in control of our decisions and choices. It removes the almost victim-like posture and impact of “I can’t.” The “I choose not to” volunteer demonstrated a more erect posture and a confident tone of voice. When I asked how he felt, he said “in charge.” From there, the progression was interesting. When person 3 uttered “I will try,” she did so with gusto, including a fist pump across the front of her body. She described her feelings, interestingly, as “unsure, or fake.” We discussed the fact that “I will try” can have a negative effect, because if we are not careful, we employ it as a watered-down “I can’t” and, ultimately, as a cop out.
The positivity of the subsequent live portrayals of the remaining 3 phrases was undeniable. The notion of “Best Effort” created a sense of commitment and left us, and our volunteer, feeling hopeful. Similarly, “It is possible,” combined with a strong, confident pose and eyes looking skyward, created a sense of hope and a belief that whatever needed doing would be done successfully. Finally, the “I can” volunteer stood in a position of complete power. The “I can” posture mimicked that of a superhero, hands on hips, eyes wide and bright, and an undeniable expression of resolve. The effect made me think of the recently viral Ted talk by Social psychologist Amy Cuddy. Her research showed that standing or sitting in certain “Power Poses,” even for two minutes, can significantly elevate feelings of confidence while decreasing worry and stress. Imagine the power of the words “I can” or “I’ve got this” when combined with the posture.
So what’s the take away from this experiment, you ask? For me, there were three lessons:
First, there’s a great deal of information in actually noticing how we feel when we say “I can’t” or “I can.” Personally, since watching the small experiment unfold, I have a new awareness and appreciation for how often I default to a “can’t” response and posture. Take note the next time you hear yourself saying “I can’t.” Be particularly aware of the instances when those words are associated with something you’d really like to do, something you’d like to achieve, something that requires a “Can do” attitude to happen. Acknowledge and accept the feelings that accompany the “I can’t” and allow them to unfold. Then ask yourself: “What would it take for me to move one or two steps to the right on the continuum?”
Second, challenge your own binary thinking when it comes to I Can vs I Can’t. Each time you think about the challenge, the endeavor, that thing you want to conquer, choose a new phrase from the continuum. Maybe, it’s as simple as I choose not to. For instance, if a friend is hounding you to go out and you want to stay in, and you catch yourself saying “I can’t go out tonight,” notice the power that comes from saying “I choose not to go out tonight.” Or, when faced with making a big and important presentation, let’s say you choose “I will give it my best.” Notice how those words influence your confidence as well as the actions you take to prepare and deliver.
Finally, over time, notice how long you let “I can’t” linger on your lips before you adeptly shift your thoughts, words, and actions to one of the many more powerful awaiting you, just to the right! Work on shortening the shift to the other options on the continuum. We often overlook the degree of control we have over our choices, and by consciously stepping one position closer to “I can” when faced with a daunting or even scary task, we greatly enhance our chance of success.
©Susan M Vitale, 2019